I've been working with Jesse Torgerson doing breath work for awhile now, and last night I was fortunate enough to be in a class she offered in New Paltz. I'd been drawn to the work months ago, mostly after talking to Jesse, because I liked her take on the relationship of the body to the big spaces. She sees it as a doorway, rather than a distraction, or something to look away from. I've noticed that my ability to feel joy is not as robust as I'd like, and I suspected that what was in the way was blocked experience in my body. In my work, I clear a lot of spaces, but I don't work through the body the way Jesse does, and I didn't want to miss out on anything!
From my journal this morning: Jesse's class! OMG!....I could feel more than I ever have, in a sensation way rather than an emotional way. After breathing for awhile per instruction, I could feel the energy held in my thighs....heavy, and not moving....I noticed that something (my body? I?) wanted to free it, so I breathed up to the edge of it, let go on the out breath, and did that repeatedly, trusting that the right thing would happen. My body went through cycles of convulsing, my upper back rising off the mat and releasing back down, like an orgasm from a higher center than the genitals. The thought would come through, 'I'm so happy to be feeling so much!' and then sobbing would start....several times, feel so much! then sobbing to mourn the years of deadness....then more seismic tremors from the belly, some teeth-baring roaring that might have been rage, and back to the breath and letting go. Those were the elements, mixed up in a stew of breath and sensation....until finally I could feel the energy streaming through the hip joints, past the hinge at last.....And this morning, something's different, just from having had the experience of my body that I had....A new respect, a new understanding...and two new allies, my breath and my body.
I'm interested that I seem to be moving away from emotion, so what I felt came through as sensation rather than anything I could call "a feeling." Even with my teeth bared, and a sound coming from me that roared, I had the fleeting thought, rage? and then let it go, not caring about the definition, any sense that it was me doing it, or why. Just enjoying the sensations, and that I could witness the sound and the fury as it arose. No hanging on, no story, and no identity....just following the breath and the body, letting them have whatever expression arose. Certainly no sense of "me" doing anything. It was an "in-body" experience, but there was nothing small about it....it led directly to a larger sense of freedom. Not freedom as in "I can do this now, anytime," because there was not a lot of "I," and not a lot of "doing." So no reference to "real life later." Just the freedom of an easy energy flow, for the first time, in an unexpected place.
There have been times on Jesse's table that the story has come up, and she was able to guide me through it, acknowledging it without getting stuck in it. She has reminded me more than once that when something happens that I recognize as "wrong," it's because somewhere in my life, I experienced rightness, and the rightness is part of who I am. But it's interesting that once the story comes up, the focus on sensation seems to lessen....more aware of the story, less aware of the body and the energy.....
And today? Definitely a detox day. God only knows what I released, but it showed up today as needing to stay in bed and drink a lot of water. Then again, this is the first blog post in a long while, so the prognosis is excellent!
Jesse Torgerson is a freedom fighter, the way all good healers are, and she teaches her clients to claim their freedom. We fight by allowing the breath and the body to metabolize the frozen places created when we held our breath to avoid feeling. The held breath locks the feeling into the body and sequesters it....locks the door and throws away the key....the key is the breath, and Jesse has been handing it back to me, so that I can open the door. Find her at jessetorgerson.com.