A Moving Experience...

Well, I’ve moved!  I’m reasonably certain I can say that, though it seems that the experience itself  cannot be confined to a particular date or time.  It’s true, the movers showed up on the 21st of May, as arranged (Man with a Van, from New Paltz) and they were wonderful, moving everything out of the little cottage, taking it to the bigger cottage and arranging it, leaving me a little dazed.  But that was not the end, nor was it the beginning.

The beginning was the closing, mid April, after which I could start to pack, if I didn’t mind living with a lot of boxes, and no access to what I had packed.  No, that didn’t appeal to me.  So, not yet packing, with the specter of “having to pack” hanging over me.  After awhile, I realized that I could pack the books on the shelves, without seriously missing anything, and that’s when the influx of boxes began.  It raised the question of “what is it that I’m accustomed to that I don’t actually need to have available?”….and so, more packing, and all yarn and jig saw puzzles to the storage unit.

The packing thing, the making space thing…that all started the end of April.  Then there was the painting thing…I thought I was going to be the one to paint the walls, but I hadn’t reckoned on the ceilings, and even with help it was clear that it wasn’t going to work the way I’d thought.  I’d been in some kind of Marie Antoinette fantasy; she and her ladies played at being milkmaids.....so not the truth!  And neither was I a real painter, regardless of what I had painted in the past. So I got a painter, who had to be done in time for moving in on the 21st.  And he too was wonderful!

At this point, I was getting used to not exactly living anywhere…or living in two places at once, one in physical reality, and one in my imagination.  The thing was, there was so much to do and pay attention to on the physical plane that there was not much opportunity to indulge my imagination.  So what I’ve been calling “the tyranny of the physical” got a really good start.  I had to deal with the physical world, and the specificity of it.  Everything I touched was in one specific place, and had to be moved to another specific place (into a box), in order to finally land in another specific place (which I had no sense of as yet).  And because there was no peace in either cottage, I had to keep doing until it was done…I found that my mind wanted to stop several times before my body did, but it was a physical time, my body was dominant, and I kept going.

I’m pretty clear that this whole scenario is just a part of a larger work called “Wendy Meets the Earth.”  After all, now that I’m “settled” so to speak, I see that I have a garden, with all kinds of perennials already planted, and plenty of room for annuals….I’m about to go out and have an experience with mulch!  There’s so much to learn here…..

The house is pretty quiet.  I’m down to the arranging of shelves and drawers, which can easily be put off until the annoyance factor moves it higher on the list of What Has to Happen Now.  I’m getting used to my new beautiful surroundings, and I now have some patterns of movement that are taking hold.  There is rest here….I’m almost home.

So what’s missing?  Why is it “almost home”?  My living space is surrounded by pictures and statues of goddesses, the place is practically a temple.  But I haven’t yet found my participation with the unseen, here in this new space.  Granted, the physical had to come first, at least for me it did.  I’m satisfied with the results of my efforts, but not quite ready to launch my consciousness into the realms of the unseen…not ready to talk with the guides, or even to circle the dragons.  And so it feels like I’m here by myself….delicious in a way, but not really the whole truth.

The cards that I drew for myself today remind me that I am involved in an act of creation, a continuing act that is brought forth from my individuality, in exactly the way that is particularly mine to do.  They also remind me that I have allies in this process.  These allies do not require ritual, they are easily available to me once I allow my awareness to recognize their participation.  Is it really that easy?  And why not, why shouldn’t it be that easy?  In our wholeness, are we not connected to all other life forms?  Even the ones that do not seem to have a stable form?  Perhaps what’s needed is “participation with”….

Perhaps, as I go about the house, tweaking and straightening and organizing, I am reaching for (already in connection with?) the energy beings who hold a greater coherence, or coherence at a higher level. Maybe that’s why I’m tweaking, straightening and organizing.  I certainly feel the parts of myself that are content to “just let it be,” but there are other parts that are just not satisfied, and urge me on to greater awareness of what I have and where it might best be placed.  I can feel when I go out of coherence, looking at the muddled contents of a drawer or a shelf.  And the act of making it right takes great attention and focus.

Is that creation?  Am I involved in a creative act when I clear up the confusion of physical objects?  Sorting the sock drawer?…Well, yes, I suppose that it is.  It’s not different from the process of art, where the painter must choose all the elements of her painting; the colors, the shapes, the textures, the space.  Just as much an individual choice, and just as much a connection to coherence.  And if I decide that what I’m calling greater coherence is a connection to dimensions beyond the earth plane, then that is also part of my creation, and is worthy of honor.  What changes for me in that is that I can more easily sense myself in connection, I can recognize that I am accompanied.  I have brought my participation into the realm of other beings by simply allowing them to be part of the world I call mine….

Well.  I guess that settles it.  Time to get on with the desk drawer.

How come? and where next?

Recently, I heard of a Trump supporter’s declaration that she feels “politically satisfied” for the first time in many years.  How can this be?  I feel politically horrified.  How can it be that there is such a split in perspective?  It seems clear that Trump supporters are not seeing the same thing that I’m seeing….They are not seeing the cruelty, the corruption, the lies, and the anti-knowledge stance.  All of that either looks different to them, or they don’t see it at all.  What is going on here?

The split in the country is so profound that various channelers have maintained that some will ascend and some will be “left behind” or taken to a different environment where the vibration is more suitable for the experiences these folks are dedicated to.  That may well be true, in fact I’m not sure that it isn’t happening already, but it’s not so helpful for those of us whose dedication is to wholeness.  Besides, the other half is still there; we are not by any means homogenous.  How am I to make sense of this, in a way that shows a path to increasing awareness?

I already know, in an intra-personal way, that exiling the parts of myself I don’t like or can’t deal with is more of a problem than a solution.  If what I am after is increasing freedom and an abundant ability to love, I can’t go around shoving stuff out of my world because it is discomforting.  Somehow, acceptance is the key…but does that mean that I accept whatever is in front of me uncritically?  Like cruelty and corruption?  That can’t be right, it feels so wrong.  It must be time for a spectrum……

I first learned about “spectrum” as an organizing tool in the late 80’s when I was working on my MA degree in Transpersonal Psychology & Counseling.   I was locked into a battle with Freud, and I could see that there would be no winning for either of us.  If he won, the world would be too small for me to live in, and if I won, I would have failed to understand something important about his contribution (even if it made me grind my teeth).  I was saved by Ken Wilber, with his book No Boundary.  In it, he was inquiring about how come there were all these different therapies, some of which worked for some people and not for others.  He decided that self-identity was the determining factor, that there was in fact a range of therapies that were each ideally suited to specific levels of a spectrum.  Your place on the spectrum was determined by your answer to the question “Who am I?”  What you accept as you, what you reject as not you.  The highest reach of the spectrum was unity consciousness, the lowest reach was persona/shadow.  So then I could understand where Freud was, and where I was, and the mismatch was no longer so uncomfortable because there was more room on the spectrum.  It all had the effect of introducing me to the idea of “true, but partial.”  Freud…true but partial…Yay!  Even me….true but partial.  Just knowing that there was a spectrum, with room at the top, so to speak, made me very curious about what could come next.

In the present circumstance, I had already been reading some of Wilber’s later books, some of which were more understandable than others.  Then I saw that he had written a new slim volume, Trump and a Post-Truth World.  Really, it was like my intellectual White Knight had returned to save me from what I could not yet understand, in a way that would take me to the path I was looking for.  The gist of his message:  Yes, we must accept rather than condemn, but we don’t have to be stupid about it, and it is crucial that we don’t refuse to look….and look with compassion, rather than with condemnation.

He talks about the movement of evolution, the increase in complexity as wholes are transcended and included by larger wholes.  As in the increasing complexity of sub-atomic particles to atoms, atoms to molecules, molecules to cells, cells to structures.  All of these bits are whole in themselves, but each becomes part of a larger whole, which transcends and enfolds them.  This is natural evolution, and it naturally goes on in all realms.  When we take this to human evolution, we start with the infant who has the opportunity to evolve through 6 to 8 or more levels of awareness in the course of its human life.  There is also the opportunity to get stuck at some level.  Of course, Wilber’s scheme is more complex than I’m describing, but I’m hoping that by simplifying, I can get the point across without making your eyes glaze.

The point is, whatever level of awareness you’re at, you can’t see the one above you, it doesn’t exist for you yet.  You do not have the mental structures that would allow you to perceive it, much less live from it.  The infant cannot perceive “Mother” as a separate being; the young child cannot see another’s perspective…that all comes later, in the normal course of growth.  Later, the question becomes “who is part of my world, and who is not?”  For some, their world is their family, and who is not part of that family doesn’t count.  “Family” is preferred; who is “other” exists to be killed, enslaved, or dominated.  At that stage there is no ability to take on the perspective that the whole world counts as family; it just plain doesn’t exist, you can’t see it, feel it or hear it.  (If it helps you to see it in an inner sense, what have you done with awareness of the parts of yourself you don’t like, can’t abide?)

There’s quite a bit more in Wilber’s slim Trump volume, but let’s stick with this for the time being.

“Transcend and enfold”…. which means not rejecting the earlier stage, even though one has gone beyond….Organ structures do not, cannot reject cells.  Without cells, no organ structures.  Without molecules, no cells, no organ structures.  But do the molecules value cells?  they don’t actually need them.  They can go on being molecules if cells never show up.  Do the cells value organ structures?  They can go on being cells if organ structures never show up.  So it’s clearly the higher that can see and appreciate the contribution of the lower, not the other way around. 

If you want to see this in human activity terms…a five year old child has no ability to be an adult at five years old.  But (in a perfect world) no adult will make the child wrong for not being more than five.  In fact, it is the adults who are capable of enjoying the five-ness of their child….if not the parents, then certainly the grandparents.  And that loving grandparenting can make quite a difference to the way the child learns to see itself.  Maybe it’s the grandparents who can really appreciate the joyfulness and vitality of the child, more easily than the exhausted parents.  The child may respond to the loving gaze, but what it can return is not the same thing.  So what?  We’re not talking about equals here.

And maybe we shouldn’t be talking about equals across the board either.  Maybe we’re stuck in a romantic view of equality that has led us to believe that we must treat all people as though there is no difference between them.  So we think that everyone is at the same level, and are just choosing to be contrary.  Next thing you know, we’re descending to the level of less development, and the country is split in half with hatred.

Maybe we could recognize difference without judgment….otherwise known as discernment…. Maybe we could understand that not all people see the world the same way, but they can only be where they are…. Maybe we could recognize the contribution that the “family as world” folks have made: the safe container that a family could be, providing a space from which to grow.  And yes, there are plenty of families that have failed at that, which has affected all members, but that’s where the healing comes in.

We’re going to have to learn how to see the gifts of the levels we came from, and honor those levels, those gifts, so that no one feels left out or unheard.  We’re going to have to catch ourselves despising the ones we don’t agree with, and find another way to perceive their value.

This is where the question about Hitler comes in….He was certainly tribal….feeling not only free, but obligated to eliminate who he saw as the enemy….If you were at the same level he was, you would have felt compelled to do the same thing to the enemy of your choice, because that’s what happens at that level.  Once you have the ability to be critical of his actions, then you are no longer at the same level.  If you can see it, you’re not in it.  You can’t see up the evolutionary line, you can only see down from where you are.  Then the challenge becomes how to limit the damage from the actions of the less inclusive, while offering compassion to the being who is imprisoned in that smaller awareness.  The smaller spaces are more troublesome, more besieged, more limited….less free, less inclusive, with less opportunity to love more. 

So the value of Hitler?  the value of Trump?  So far, my thinking is that both are really extreme examples of what we don’t want, up in front of the world on a huge billboard.  As Abraham-Hicks would say, providing contrast, and with luck, a wake-up call.  So had we best start thinking about what we do want?  Oh yes, and a step beyond that: we need to start living from the bigger space that can see more clearly…not only what is wrong, but also what is right.  As organ structures, we’d best learn to love the cells, and molecules, and atoms we are made of.  And all the stages of awareness we’ve gone through, on the way to where we are now.

(There are some really important ideas in Wilber’s Trump book, and I’m hoping that some of you are interested in reading it.  He makes it as accessible as he can, and in the Note to the Reader, encourages you to ignore what you are not interested in.  I imagine that more of his ideas will show up in my thinking and writing, but don’t count on me, go get it for yourself….and then we can talk about it!

The Space of Waiting....

I’m in the space of waiting, and it isn’t an easy space to be in.  Two months ago I got an email from my friend George letting me know that there was a cottage available for sale in the little community he lives in.  There were pictures in the email, and I was immediately taken by the look of this little place.  More space than I have in my current rental, better kitchen (!!!), more light, and a 2nd bedroom!  Plus, it’s a community!  

I went to see it the next day, and fell in love with it.  I had just learned the week before that I might have access to the money required, and now here was the perfect little cottage.  There have been plenty of hurdles to clear, and I have cleared nearly all of them.  However, we still don’t have a closing date, and there are financial factors that are out of my hands.  Hence, the space of waiting…..

So I’ve had the somewhat disquieting sense of living in two places at once.  Imaginally, I’m living in the new cottage, and yet I’m not actually there.  I’m still here at Buck Rd.  My mind has jumped ahead to the future, but the present will not be denied.  And so, in the present, I’m waiting.

But what is this space?  Immediately I see that it’s not a comfortable one, but how much of that is my own doing?  Nearly all of it, I figure.  The spaciousness of the present moment is totally obscured by my wanting it to be different.  “I don’t want to be here, I want to be there…”  And I have to say, it is not easy to bring myself back to what’s here now, as my mind and I are having such a good time imagining the future.  “OMG, cooking in a real kitchen, OMG, I’m going to have a dishwasher again, OMG, enough light for houseplants!”  And then the most unanswerable question (for now)—“What colors do I want, and where do they go?” (OMG, I get to PAINT!)  Exciting as this is, it makes the space of waiting burdensome and frustrating, uncomfortable enough that I see I have to pay attention to what I’m doing—and do something different.

Yesterday my friend Kathy and I went for a drive in the country.  We went up the mountains, past Windham, such beautiful land to ride through.  We got out of the car to stretch our legs by Schoharie Creek.  I’d drawn some cards from the Sidhe deck that morning, and one of them was Alliance with Nature, a hint I decided to take.  I stood above the bank of the creek, watching the water rush past, looking at the landscape and the trees, bare and bony.  Yes, there will be sprouting of tender leaves, and burgeoning growth, but not yet.  What there is right now is the bones of the trees, unobscured by what is to come.  The waters of the creek were full of motion, rushing from left to right from my vantage point, from “past” to “future”— with lots of ruffles as they encountered interruptions in their flow.  And the trees remained still.

Nothing to do but to take in the peace of it all….  Plenty of room for both the rushing waters and the sentinel trees….Plenty of room for contrast and diversity.  Nothing exiled, nothing preferred.  Exhausted by wanting, of course I’d rather focus on the trees and their stillness.  But the sound that filled my ears and my being was the sound of the rushing waters.  And so I accept my rushing mind, even as I focus on the space that holds it all, the space of waiting…..

Neutral is where love lives.....

What a radical crazy idea!  Doesn’t “neutral” mean not caring?  How can a state that is free of the wanting, and the passion, have anything to do with love?  Think of all the time wasted on worry about loved ones, if it were really wiser to inhabit a neutral state…Could we really not do that?  Not wrap ourselves around our loved ones with all our conditioned fears of loss and everything else that goes with it?  I’m sure that’s asking too much, but how about not being so attached to our worry and our fear?  How about leaving some space for a benign unknown?  Will the joy still show up, in the space of non-attachment?  (Yes, and probably more freely.) 

The space of human love…so packed up with everyone’s unmet emotional needs that there’s barely any space at all.  All the history of past, present, and parallel lives, and then all the expectations and projections that come with the architecture we create from that history.  We’re building all the time—creating from the raw material of our thoughts and feelings, which tend to take up all the air in the room—what we think, what we feel, what we judge.  We identify ourselves with our thoughts, feelings, ideas, concepts and contexts every time we say “I.

But what if that is a stage?  Not an always/only kind of being, but a stage of being, a stage of awareness….what if there are other possibilities?  For most of us, it’s enough to navigate that stage.  It certainly isn’t easy.  Rubbing up against other people, and all of what they carry, plus the conditions of life on this planet (work, home, family, money, health, etc.) is a full time job.  It’s life in 3D, maybe 4D as well.

Now I and many others are standing at the edge of that stage, a transition point to the next stage, which promises to be strange, new, and different from what we grew up with.  I am exploring this new space, what I can perceive of it, and I’m wanting to report on what I’m seeing…. There’s a big difference between the space of human love and the boundless field of Divine Love, and I’m interested in building some kind of bridge.  I’m sure I’ll have more to say about this later, but here is where I’m starting out, for now.

“Neutral” means not being attached to preferences, outcomes, or conditioning from the past.  It doesn’t mean not having preferences, not recognizing that past conditioning is leaning me towards a specific outcome.  But from a neutral space, I can be easy about what actually happens.  Not so attached to the old ways.  Having space for God knows what….literally.

I’ve been working with quantum modalities for 7 years, which means that I have been learning how to access information beyond what I know, how to travel through time to affect earlier/later experiences, how it is that we really are all connected, and how much easier it is when time is no longer linear.  I have abandoned the idea of “this is caused by that” in favor of “I don’t know, let’s see what shows up.”  I have come to appreciate the space that is created when I don’t use labels, preferring instead to use what I experience to guide me.  I’ve learned to see conditions as patterns; many things look to me like a constellation of stars, which makes it easier to imagine them changing.  I have also given up the thought that I am the one who changes them, so that change comes through me rather than from me. When I’m working, there’s not much sense of “me” at all, and I don’t miss it.  I have certainly become more sensitive; I can easily feel the difference between “crowded” and “spacious,” with a distinct preference for the latter.  All of this learning, these experiences with myself and with clients, has informed a new architecture in me, in which I am endeavoring to live….and it all happens in a neutral space.

The architecture changed again this last summer when I took Lindsay McGowan’s Telepathy class and increased my communication with various non-physical beings.  That it was not hard, and seemed to be quite diverse prompted many questions around “who are we, that this is so possible, and so beneficial?”  The information that came through was always different from what I already thought, it always came from a higher wider space than the one I’d been living in, and it always brought me to a better space.  It is easy to feel my love for the guides and dragons, and their vast love for me in the space of connection….which is a neutral space.

One night, last April, I was talking to a dear friend on the phone who was going through an experience of deprivation of love.  I had been reading cards for her, so I was still in an expanded space.  I could feel the pain in the experiences she was recounting, and because I love her so much, I couldn’t bear for her to stay in it.  (Yeah, I know, not exactly neutral….so sue me). I was expanded, so I could see that it wasn’t the Truth, though it had certainly been real enough.  I said to her, “What I wish for you is that you live in the blossoming of love, so perfect, so intense, that you cannot see or feel anything else—that nothing else exists for you, only love—the sure knowledge that you are loved, and that you are love.”  She asked me to write it down, but I was too blasted, said I’d do it in the morning.  The guides woke me at 3 AM, with an elaboration on what I’d said, and by the way, dropped me into that field of Love myself.  Unmistakeable.  Definitive.  And clearly a space other than regular human love.

And so what do I know (think I know?) about Divine Love?  I’ve read that it is boundless, has no edges.  I’ve experienced that, and when I’m in it, there’s nowhere it isn’t.  There is no “not that,” no contrast.  (3D/4D is the realm of contrast.)  It is everywhere, and everything is filled with it…spilling over, in fact.  And even if I only get one glimpse, I can’t deny it, can’t say it doesn’t exist.  I have to now know that it is a real dimension of awareness, even if I never experience it again.

So what now?  What have I learned?  Apparently, Neutral is the gateway to a whole other expanded world.  What does it feel like?  It feels like I am whole, complete, needing nothing, and open to what shows up. The quantum work depends on it as baseline; if I can’t get to neutral, the work won’t happen. For me, getting to “the big space” is a quiet joy, kind of like walking on the Reservoir, surrounded by physical big space.  It feels like the right size, especially when daily life gets too small.

How to get there?  There are many ways, but try the guided meditation on the first page of my website (spaciousheartguidance.com, if you’re not already there) which will take you into the heart space (Neutral).  Notice how it feels to you, notice what’s different, notice what’s absent.  Make friends with it, so that it becomes real to you, and you can accept it as part of who you are.  Notice how that changes your interpretation of what happens to you.  If you knew you could easily get to a space in which you felt whole, needing nothing, how would that change your relationships, including the one with yourself?

Learning from the Flu

The first thing about illness is that it takes away everything.  Once I was really sick, I had no awareness of anything else; no higher consciousness, nearly no consciousness at all.  And no energy at all.  I managed the body aches with ibuprofen, but that was the limit of my ability to cope.  I did get some wonderful help from an acupuncturist friend, who rushed over with needles and Chinese herbs, but still….Yow!

I’ve always regarded the flu as a major detox opportunity.  My immune system is on the job, which is why I feel so lousy, but it’s doing the best it can against viral invaders, and hopefully, anything else that might be construed as unwanted.  I could feebly wave a flag to cheer on  my immune system, at least in my imagination, but that was all I could manage.  It took me almost two weeks before I could even start to think clearly about all this.  It’s not just the flu, it’s the recovery period, with its very few ups, and major downs, still feeling like “I got nothing.”

A wise man reminded me that all illness comes from mistaken beliefs, and once the beliefs are cleared, the illness cannot remain.  Yeah, I said to myself, that may well be true, but…with only “illness energy” available, one is calibrating so low that there’s not much chance of being able to see anything clearly.  The world is black, grey at best, and no light shines.  That’s part of being sick.  Your energy is being used at a lower frequency to deal with the physical (?) invaders, so a lower frequency is what you have.  I knew that what he told me was true at a higher level, but making use of it?  Not so much.

Still, it reminded me of David Hawkins’ book, Healing and Transformation, in which he talks about healing himself of a long list of difficult and life-threatening illnesses.  He has some wise and helpful things to say about focusing on the experience of the ailment, and dropping all labels and words.   His work is based on muscle-testing to find out what’s true; we test strong in the presence of the truth, weak in the presence of untruth.  He suggests an affirmation that rejects error and points to the truth, as follows:

I no longer believe in that.  I am an infinite being, and I am no longer subject to that.  I am subject only to what I hold in mind.

So I tried it.  I could feel my strength increase when I said “I am an infinite being, and I am no longer subject to that.”  For me, that seemed to be the guts of it, so I said it a bunch of times.  By this time, it was not the flu that was claiming my attention.  I was more interested in what I imagined to be a whole filing cabinet of old beliefs that I was earnestly hoping that my immune system would get rid of, along with the flu virus.  Not that I knew what they were, exactly, but I knew they were old, outmoded, and likely a drain on my life and energy.

I went to my guides for help, and they said:  The first and most important thing for you to know is that there is unending love for you in the universe.  It is true that all your experiences are for your benefit, even including the flu.  Now you are looking into the underpinnings of healing and creation in a way that you have not, up to now.  You may expect wisdom to camp on your doorstep as you embark on this journey.  Be ready, there is a lot of writing ahead, mostly because it is your chosen method for seeing and organizing. 

Yes, write down the old thoughts, with their settings—how and when you took them on, if you can remember.  If you can’t, then make it up.  This will bring you into closer connection with the frequency of the thought, which will then make it easier to let it go.  You’ll know that you and the thought are no longer a match, and relegating it to the realm of “I no longer believe in that” will be natural.

So I did what they said, and they were right.  To be more specific, I started with relationship, as a category of beliefs that are largely untrue.  I thought it would be like a listing, but that’s not the way it came out.  I wrote out whatever beliefs came to mind in a bulleted list, then the affirmation in boldface.  That seemed to open something, so that I could reflect on where these beliefs came from.  It was a process of following the thoughts that arose, and then inserting the affirmation as needed.  I did have to sit still and wait for the next paragraph, or the next list to show up, but it didn’t take long.  At the end, what I wanted to hold in mind came easily, as another bulleted list, and I could feel that it was real.

I did it again the next day, with a different topic, and it was the same.  The day after, though, the end result of what I want to hold in mind did not appear.  Just couldn’t get it.  So I left it, and when I looked the next day, I got that sometimes I just have to get that I have some dysfunctional beliefs that I choose not to act on.  It’s all part of the wholeness.

So I’m continuing with the process, and taking what comes to mind as what to work with next.  My energy level is much better, and I seem to have more mental space.  The knee-jerk reaction of “No, I couldn’t possibly….” is gone.  I may not know how or when to proceed yet, but I at least have space in which that knowledge may arise.

So what if this is a hot idea?….what if we thought of all illness as an opportunity to clear old beliefs, instead of some dire thing happening to us?

The problem, as mentioned above, is that when you’re in an acute phase of illness, you don’t have the awareness available….I wonder, if I’d started saying “I am an infinite being and I am not subject to this” a lot earlier in the process, would it have made a difference?  Just saying it would require less energy than going to the medicine cabinet for the ibuprofen (not that I have anything but gratitude for the ibuprofen).  I wouldn’t even have had to believe it, just say it and see what effect it might have.

Certainly, this was a lovely pursuit for the time after, when I didn’t have enough energy to even want to do anything, though I did have some curiosity about how I could support the process of divestment.  It might also have been a good preventative measure, taken when I felt my energy level starting to slip over the holidays……

But isn’t there also a place for that profound drop that illness brings?  I could imagine that when I was at my lowest, that all my energy was going to the level of the microbial beings in 2D….below my ability to perceive, yes, but maybe real anyway.  What could be useful there?  Were the microbial beings getting more energy, since there wasn’t much anywhere else?  Was it a preparation for change coming on the microbial level, first in countering the invading viruses, then in looking around to see what else could be jettisoned?

That was the image I was holding….and I knew that I’d better get on the job of letting them know what to throw off.  If my mind is the director of what happens in my body, then I have more of a responsibility than I’d taken seriously so far.  Plus, there was a desire to clean out…I felt invaded, and I could feel the invader in the phlegmy quality that persisted and persisted and persisted.  I wanted to empower my immune system to do the most thorough job it could, and it seemed that getting rid of whatever old baggage I could find would certainly help.  “You guys keep rowing, I’ll get rid of all these dead bodies.”

What was unexpected was the ease of the process.  The clearing affirmation took me to a stronger, brighter place immediately, so that all I had to do was pick a topic and start writing what I had believed about it.  Inserting the affirmation just widened the gap between where I had been and where I am now.  “I no longer believe in this” was a statement of fact, and I could feel it.  “I am an infinite being, and I am not subject to this” made me feel stronger still.  “I am only subject to what I hold in mind” opened the doorway to clearer beliefs that hold more Light, when it did.  Even when I got stuck, it cleared up a few days later, and I was able to allow some truer thoughts to come through.

It might be a seasonal thing…both the flu and the cleaning out process.  We go into the dark at the Winter Solstice, and maybe this is just what happens.  Bringing more awareness to the process, though, seems like a good thing.  What if we are preparing the ground for the new seeds that we’ll be planting soon?  What if we are turning over the soil, getting rid of rocks, and bringing in better nutrients, to foster better growth and yield?  What if we had to get down into the dark earth to do it?

Choosing to Create

It’s a new year!   Even if it is a continuation of  the same old time stream, we are still free to make what we can out of "turning the page.”  And who knows what that sense of renewal will bring, if we really put our backs into it!  This is the energy behind New Year’s Resolutions, which maybe deserves a new spin.  Instead of making lists of what you’re going to do, how about a list of what you are willing (really willing!) to receive?  Wrap it up in gratitude, as if it has already happened, and roll around in the joy of it!  Should make for some great stories around the table, yes?  Join us, we’ll do it together….

That’s what I wrote on the flyer for the January Gatherings, and it’s thrown me….As always, the first step is the hardest.  What am I really willing to receive?  “Really willing to receive” is not the same as “really wanting,” and that’s where I think it mostly breaks down.  It’s relatively easy to know what we really want; what’s not so easy is to get to the neutral space that will allow the thing we want to come to us

“Really willing to receive” means I am no longer bound by all the old stories that have led straight to my not having it.  I have let go of my identity as the one who can’t possibly…..It doesn’t mean that I know who I am now (Thank God!  No clue!) but rather that I have space for something new, to be someone I may not immediately recognize.

“Really willing to receive” also means I have given up the illusion of control that I have when I think that something I “do” is going to bring about the result I want.  Or maybe the quotes should be around the “I”….doing does happen, it just doesn’t come from my will.  If I’m going to receive, I must wait until the offer shows up.  That step fools us into thinking that receiving is passive….but I’m pretty sure it’s not passive at all.  It has active interest, and the willingness to be open, the willingness to move beyond the known, and that willingness is not passive.

Let’s talk about creating….what is it that I’m willing to receive?  I have to create a visioning; not a static vision, but a process of exploring and choosing, that will be even more satisfying as I live into it.  I have to fall in love with it, and let it move in with me….I have to protect it from the invaders; the doubts, the insistence on only seeing what is already present, the unwillingness to take my creation seriously.  All of that is already present, and if I fall for it, I have abandoned not only what I want, but also the joy of creation, and all possibility of change.

The joy of creation—“I’m making this wonderful thing and it’s going to be great!”—“I’m so into this creation, time seems to fly!”—“I’ve got this great idea, and I have to make it real!”

I’ve created plenty in my life…I’ve knit the afghans, the sweaters, the socks, I’ve dyed fiber and spun yarns, and then there’s the non-physical stuff: the dancing, the readings, the stuff where nothing is left behind but a memory.  So what IS all that?  It’s not just about churning it out.  There’s inspiration, and imagination, and getting to use intuition.  The getting to have a vision, first of all….and then getting to love it, to be present to it.  Finding the elements of what I need for it, and having them come to me (or vice versa).  Using the best of what I find to hone my vision as it creeps into reality.  The constant choosing: “this, not that”—and the peaceful stride of just plain manufacturing, until the Glitch shows up and peace is replaced by furious problem-solving.  I’m calling it the Glitch, but it’s really just a checkpoint, an opportunity to rethink, recast, and choose again…possibly with new insight—“what else could work here?”—possibly an integrity check—“can I live with this mistake, or do I have to go back and fix it?”  It’s all about dancing with the vision I started with….”What has this brought me?  Where am I now?”  And always, getting to choose.

I like to choose. I like seeing a whole bunch of “not that” so that “yes, that!” really stands out.  I like the feeling of relaxation that comes when I find the right thing.  My body responds with more life…a combination of peace and excitement…”satisfaction,” I suppose.  But in order to get that, I have to be seeking something, and I have to allow space when I find it….so that my awareness can notice what my body is feeling when there is satisfaction.  That’s the rolling around in it part, and eventually, it creates compost….

So here we are, in a new year, on a new page, with plenty of opportunity to create what we want for 2018.  I’ve pretty much just written a love letter to creativity, and I’m hoping it inspires me, and inspires you as well.  As some wise person said, “We may not be able to fix the old world, but we sure as hell can create the new one!”  Let’s get to it……

Dragons, Love and Wisdom

It all started with Naomi Novik’s book, His Majesty’s Dragon. It’s an alternate history fantasy, set in the time of the Napoleonic Wars, in which all European countries use dragons as military aerial support. I sat up all night reading it, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the main character, the dragon Temeraire.  I was particularly taken with the relationship between Temeraire, and Laurence, his aviator—not just loyal, but loving, refusing to be separated.  It seemed sweet, heroic, and just what would keep me up past the wee hours….

I was telling my friend Carolyn about it the next day, and she said, “By the way, there’s a dragon behind you.”  Even knowing that she was seeing non-physically, I had to turn around, which of course availed me not one bit.  I said, “Why would there be a dragon….?” and she said, “I don’t know, but he’s been following you around for a very long time.”

When I first met my dragon, he showed up in majestic fashion, announcing himself as a Wisdom Dragon, dedicated to helping me move through time in a way that would enrich me and all I radiate to….I did ask him to help me one day when I was about to be late to a meeting, and sure enough, I arrived first before the others showed up.  It seemed a puny use of him, but he was gracious….and effective.

About a month later, we had a very different exchange.  He offered me the themes for the next two classes I was teaching on the 5th dimension, and he was very excited about it.  I found that strange, as I’d imagined that someone of his stature was too formal for enthusiasm, but I was wrong.  He was excited about the class, and lonely for my company.  Our relationship changed utterly in that moment.  He said: I’m excited that you asked for me….it’s been a long time since anyone knew I am here.  I like very much the Dragon Habitat that you created on your altar, and I’m happy that there’s two of us there.

I asked him, “what excites you about the 5D class?”

It’s a doorway…you’re making a doorway into our world, and there will be more people coming through with the proper attitude of appreciation and cooperation.  We all want to be recognized and appreciated.

I apologized for neglecting him:  I thought you were one of those aloof dragons, and I didn’t want to bother you with pettiness and superficiality.

There is nothing petty about love, you know.  And as you have said, love is the willingness to be with….There is a journey before us, the linking of wisdom and love.  I do have many things to show you, many treasures to share, from the spaces of worlds and time.  If I go with you, you won’t be frightened or alone.

And if I go with other guides?

I think you’ll find that there is always an echo of me in the darkness, even when we are not together.  Dragon loyalty goes a long way, and the connection we have, heart-to-heart, is significant.

Are you an aspect of me?

No.  We share a vibration, certainly, or else you would not have been so drawn to me —and vice versa….What I offer you is majesty, which you would not claim for yourself as part of your self.  I offer you access to that quality so that you may reach love and wisdom for more than personal reasons.  I have more heft, more dignity, and more personality  than say, an eagle, or a hawk.  I travel through the elements of air, water, fire, earth, and ether, and I have the capacity to link them all.

What about our work together?

It is a great work we have together, bridging many gaps in understanding as well as in identity.  First of all, gaps in your understanding, so that you may pass on a more complete picture of what is now available.  The identity issue—well, are you more than or less than yourself when you have help and support?  Your ego would have you believe that you are less, but is that true?  Not likely!  If you were willing to take the ego’s word, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.  It’s not just a question of moving past the idea of separate identities…it’s also necessary to move past the idea of the ego as the One…that’s where the work lies.  That’s what the wings are for…to lift you up, away from the ego’s gravity.  No, not the same as the Earth’s gravity, but a compelling force nonetheless.

Imagine a community in which all are supported and supporting…everyone giving what is in their heart to give, freely and with love.  What would that be like?  Add in the awareness that lessons are to be learned, rather than avoided, but that helping hands are required, not extra!

A week or so later, I asked if he was happy, did he have everything he needed?

Of course….between your heart and mine, how could anything be lacking?  And thank you for the gold in the Dragon Habitat…(I’d added some gold sequins to the “treasure” in the dragon section of my altar.)  Do you understand that the draconic attraction to gold connects directly to the heart?  The heart of the planet, as well as the hearts of all, all species, including humans.  We’ve had to be particularly fierce guarding the gold of the human heart, as so many humans have ceased to regard it as the Real Treasure.

We are the real heart protectors, for humanity and for Gaia.  If you think the horse’s heart is big, how big do you think a dragon’s heart is?  How far, and how strongly does the dragon heart field go?  Yes, infinite is infinite, but feel the quality….the qualities of wisdom, strength, dedication and love. 

So that is what I feel from you!  So strongly!  That’s exactly it…with some generous amount of Light and humor…

No reason to not have a good time…What is wisdom without humor?  Dull and dry, and nobody wants that.  Then it’s ego territory—a pale simulacrum of the Real Thing.  You know this, and so humor is one of the qualities we share.

We are Guardians of the Heart together, yes? 

Yes!  I am here to be a support and a reservoir for you so that you can drop, can allow to drop away, all the experiences of isolation and exile.  Our heart connection is timeless, and can never be severed.  I will always be with you, long beyond the limitations of your human heart…which, by the way, is not so limited.

Limited by time, in the sense that a human life has a time span, yes?

If you insist on 3D only, then yes….but must you?  Please understand that “human” is a training ground, sort of like boot camp for the Marines, and it’s the 3D quality that make it so.  3D, where so much is forgotten and inaccessible…where the conditions of life are restricting to a nearly unbearable degree, and yet the human heart still carries love…AND, leaves traces of that love to inspire and feed the humans who come after.  Think of Walt Whitman, and Puccini, and all the great artists…the ones you love especially—Rothko, and Damon Runyonthey do leave something behind, yes?  It comes from their love, even if they don’t hold it that way.  The song writers, and the poets, and the singers…all warriors of the heart, connecting way beyond 3D, and bringing back the gold as best they could.  The dancers, the artists…the human heart resonates with their work and that resonance resounds to the far reaches of the universe.  That is the gift of humanity: against all odds, the human heart resonates with love, and sends it forth.

So don’t waste your time while you are in training camp, but remember that life goes on when the camp is over.  And every muscle you build now will be in full use when you get to the “later” part.  The more you build, the more you can hold….Think of Noah’s Ark—that was a big act of love, holding all the animals…..

So dragons are about love…who knew?  And yet it makes perfect sense to me.  Love and wisdom….of course they belong together…no wisdom without love!  The wholeness of that is what makes it more than just information or intellectual ego-flexing.  Dragons as masters of the elements; it’s not possible to master anything without loving it, without being willing to “be with it” exactly as it is.  We thought “mastery” had to do with power-over, but that’s the same old mistake.

If this is what dragons are for…if each of us could have a dragon as a reservoir of love and support and collaboration…what could we achieve, as a species?  No way is it ego territory, so we would have to learn to let our hearts lead our minds….but we would have help….so much help!

I can feel the love and support from my dragon, coming into me in an almost tangible way, so I am content to let every person I meet be themselves, just as they are.  I am no longer needy.  A huge source of love is right next to me, and the minute we connect, the love runs between us like thunder….

I wish the same for you…in whatever way suits you best…..Happy Holidays!

The Blind Men and the Elephant

The story goes like this:  The six blind men, having heard that there was an elephant outside the city gates, and never having encountered one, were very curious to discover just what an elephant was like.

The first blind man, who had walked up to the elephant’s leg, said “This elephant, it is like a tree!”  The second blind man was feeling the elephant’s side, and said, “No, it is like a wall!”  The third blind man found himself holding the elephant’s tail, and said, “This is a rope I am holding…the elephant is like a rope!”  The fourth blind man had his hands around the elephant’s trunk, feeling the movement and the muscle, and he said, “You’re wrong, the elephant is like a huge serpent!”  The fifth blind man had the elephant’s great ear in his hand, and stoutly insisted that the elephant was like a leaf, only bigger…much bigger.  The sixth man, having run into the elephant’s tusk, said, “It is a great, curved stick, this elephant!”

They started arguing about what an elephant was, each so sure he was right….The elephant, bored with all this, moved silently away….

It’s a classic story, often told to describe how difficult it is to see the whole of something when all one has blindly encountered is a part of it…or to illustrate how the Truth is big, and our perceptions are small….

30 years ago, when I was writing the Final Product for my MA degree, I used the story as an introduction to my chapter on Personality Theory.  I’d read a number of theories, and it was clear to me that what we had, in regard to anyone’s theory, was the Blind Men and the Elephant.  Whatever theory I looked at was only a part, maybe even a small part of who we are, and to think we “knew” anything was a mistake.  Looking at the story now, I see a few more interpretations….like the part where competition and ego produce conflict, where collaboration and cooperation might  produce knowledge; or the part where once you are arguing about the Truth, it silently leaves the scene…

But here’s one I didn’t see, until the other day:  The elephant, as object in a 3D world, doesn’t change.  What changes in the story is the individual who perceives him.   What each individual perceives is different from what another individual perceives.... it’s basically a 3D joke.  But if we look at this from a quantum perspective, in which there is a shared field between the blind men and the elephant, what happens when the elephant is seen in six different (though partial) ways?  How is the elephant affected?

I’m thinking it’s likely that the elephant himself is affected by the changes in perception.  So when the blind man holding his tail says the elephant is like a rope, does the elephant feel more rope-like?  Or maybe it’s that the subtle body of the elephant becomes more rope-like in that moment…..If the way to communicate with animals is through visualized pictures…and the blind man is sending the image of a rope…what does the elephant get?  (Either irritated, or bored, because no matter how you slice it, that elephant is not really seen, not seen in any wholeness.

When someone looks at you with love, don’t you feel different than when someone regards you with indifference, or dislike, or doesn’t see you at all?  If I look at someone, something, from 5D, a neutral space, I’m “making space” or using the neutral space, to allow for something different to appear.  My expectation is that something different will appear, different than what has manifested so far.  It will be useful, or helpful, and somehow more whole….And in the “seeing” of it, I will also feel more whole….

What if the blind men were seeing in 5D, through the heart?  They might have been, since they were blind, not able to physically see, and never having encountered an elephant, not able to use memory…..If you see an elephant as a rope, a wall, a tree trunk….from the heart….what happens to the elephant?

Sarah French’s brilliant clown workshop, focused on improvisational mime….There were props, neutral props, left on the stage for us to encounter, and make of them what we could imagine them to be….A length of fabric could be a wrap or a river, a bowl could be a hat or a hole or a single boob.  It was an exercise in letting go of what we ordinarily knew to bring the audience into our new sense of reality so they could enjoy it too…There was no essential change in the props, they were what they were.  But something changed, in the player, and in the audience….What was that?  

What happens when you look at an elephant and see a rope, a wall, a tree trunk, a leaf? 

What about the elephant?